never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
