After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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