mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
