I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Rumble strips road head = magical
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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