he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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