so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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