She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
