ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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