sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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