We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
