your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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