dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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