just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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