Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
