I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
