I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
