i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
