So drunk its hurt
I wannas sexs uuuuu
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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