No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize