well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
