Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
