Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
