just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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