Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
