my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
