she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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