Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sext me about skeletons
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
