you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
