Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
