my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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