I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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