Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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