and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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