Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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