My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You are a genius and a whore.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
