Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
