I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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