If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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