I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the day after is always just damage control
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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