We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
