So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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