I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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