I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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