Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
