saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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