He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
