Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
