Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
