dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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