just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
