dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
