i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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