I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
