I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
