dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
