Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
