You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
