I think I am morally bankrupt
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
