i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
