I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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